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Friday, March 7, 2008

Wed. Night's Dream; Dying at the Party & New Job

I was at a party with others. I spoke with a doctor about being small, weak & pale--an imperfect human specimen, at best. He told me he could arrange my death within 24 hours. I gave it some thought & agreed. We went to a private room, where he put a 20” tall (5” diameter) white candle in my stomach (somehow it didn’t hurt.) Then I went to a room on the second floor to go to sleep. There were huge windows in one wall, revealing millions of bright stars--I’d never seen so many at once. M.H. came to the room. I told her about my impending death. She was sad, but said she understood. She hugged me & left. Soon after D.D. & J.G. came in. I told them about my death, too, & that I was too sick & weak to survive, anyway. They were also saddened but understanding. After they left I laid down in bed to sleep. I thought more about my decision & started to have some regrets. I wondered if I could get the candle out, but figured it’d hurt very badly to try. I wondered why it didn’t hurt so far. Later I was hired to work at a restaurant. There wasn’t much for me to do, though & no one gave me any training. To kill some time & entertain the other employees, I played my djembe for a while. Then I got onto a computer (a large stack of components,) on a counter in the kitchen. It wasn’t operating correctly & I realized it had a virus. I told my employers about it & as they came to look the stack fell. Fortunately nothing broke & I was able to restore it’s original position. Soon afterward a rough looking raccoon came in. There was a fountain in the corner of the kitchen surrounded by plants. The raccoon fell into it & came out covered in algae. We all had a chuckle at that. Then a customer came to the counter to check out books. I processed them, but didn’t stamp the books with due dates, as I wasn’t able to see what they were (on the computerized display, which was out of my reach & pointing away from me.) I was invited to go outside with a few young guys (one of which had long, dark hair,) & I accepted. There was a flagstone patio outside with tall arbors making a kind of hallway from the parking lot to the front door. We went to hang out for a little while near a stream, but soon I went back in to work. Customers were coming in at the same time. Inside, I clearly got the feeling that my new employers were not terribly impressed with me. Regardless, I had to leave early to go to a doctor's appointment. The medical center was adjacent to the restaurant. The main lobby wasn’t very big. There were stairs on either end of it, & hallways beneath the stairs. There were a lot of people there. I went to look at the directory, but my doctor’s name wasn’t listed. It dawned on me that he’d changed offices. He was no longer here & I’d never make it to where he was in time.

The "me" that decided to die is symbolic, of course. Although I am small (4'11",) & (preternaturally) pale, I'm certainly not weak.
The doctors seem to be linked. The 1st doctor helped "me" destroy myself (he gave me 24 hours to live.) I presume I was going to the 2nd for healing, but I'm clearly going to be too late (to make my appointment.)
The candle in my stomach makes me think of the "fire in the belly" idiom.
The computer with a virus is directly related to a work experience this past week (as is checking out the books, of course.) Then again a virus is a biological malady, so it may point back at the doctors. Playing my djembe probably does, too, since the bursitis my doctor refuses to treat prevents me from playing much anymore.
A patio was also in my dream of 2/24/08.
Hurt (in a different sense,) my friend (D.D.) & a parking lot also appear in my dream the next night.

The picture is of the rapids before Niagara Falls, taken from the Canadian side. Across the river there is the U.S.

10 comments:

ivan@creativewriting.ca said...

Quite a segue.
I don't have many segues in my dreams.

First Kavorked-out then going to a party. Whee!

Julie at Virtual Voyage said...

Very vivid description, this, and the candle seems to be a very significant part of it.

The Niagara photo is great - very much as I saw it - wish I was there now; the chilly weather here is getting tiring!

Charles Gramlich said...

That's pretty sad about the dying thing. I order you to stay around. For my sake.

Billy said...

I've died at many parties, though in a different way. Maybe I'm not a social animal -:)

Lana Gramlich said...

Charles; Thing is, there really wasn't any sadness about the dying--only some regrets after the fact. I think that character is an echo of the drunken, angry Robert DeNiro character from that dream I told you about last year. In that dream he also withdrew to isolation during a party, if you recall...

Billy; You & I both, brother. <:\ I'm definitely not a social animal (which partly explains why we refer to our house as "The Hermitage.")

Lana Gramlich said...

Ivan; Actually it was the other way around--I left the party to go die. Still...very strange.

Julie; If you're still chilly you don't want to be in Niagara now, since they're getting whomped with yet more snow. The picture I took was from summertime. It doesn't really start warming up until late May there.

Anonymous said...

Sad story...dark...

I had a dream to see the Niagara Falls as a child...I saw them this summer...a gift...a treasure...thanks for sharing.

Lana Gramlich said...

Anonymous; There was a peacefulness to it (up until the dream switched to working at the restaurant.) Niagara Falls are incredible & I count among my blessings that I lived so close to them for so many years (& that I took advantage of that!)

quoteguy said...

Thanks for sharing. What imagery. I felt like I was in a movie theater while I was reading it.

I think the fire in your stomach was there to illuminate some negativity that may have been pent up. The light shines so that we can see what needs to be changed. It didn't hurt because the problem isn't real any way. We are the ones that turn problems into pain. Once you realized that the problem wasn't a problem at all and there was no pain, you were able to move into the next scene of your dream.

What a great lesson you taught me today. The only problems we have are the ones we create. Shine a light on the problem and it simply dissolves. Great Post!

Lana Gramlich said...

Quoteguy; The candle was the agent of my death, a symbolic transformation that would have ensured rebirth. However, I eventually regretted undertaking the change & sought to avoid it.
I moved into the next scene purely because of denial. My subconscious pushed what I still don't want to deal with (the req'd change,) back down into the depths (at least temporarily.)
My pain/problems (which I endured rather than created,) are very real, I assure you. The pain may have subsided over the years, but the problems that caused it still effect everything I do & say. No "shining light" dissolved the pain & problems, as you suggest. I merely sidestepped (yet again,) the transformation that I really need to embrace.

I appreciate your attempt to put a positive spin on the whole thing, but the reality is not so "feel-good." I respect the meaning you're taking from my dream--feel free to continue to do so--but you know nothing about me, so how could you possibly hope to interpret my dreams accurately?

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